delving by way of questionnaire

1. What are your irrational fears?

i fear that my house will burn down, even if all my family, pets, etc. are safe. the utter destruction that goes along with that is too much for my packrat-ish self to bear. i fear being fat and unattractive, and also being attractive. i fear that i will never accomplish anything in my life, that i will disappoint my parents and those i respect. i fear that i am becoming a compulsive liar, or even just a generally bad person, that i will never be able to stop procrastinating. i am sometimes violently, paralyzingly afraid of the dark, or of the tingling at the back of my neck. i am afraid that i will miss something if i don’t stay awake, if i’m not in the center of activity with people. i fear i am fooling everyone, that really i am selfish and evil and boring and untalented, and i’m just lying to myself and everyone. i fear that i don’t deserve to be loved.

2. Describe a missed opportunity.

i wish that i had taken the opportunity in tenth grade to be in the Show Choir at my school. i wish that i had been more comfortable with my body, comfortable enough to dance, but i was afraid and embarressed, and couldn’t stand the thought of trying to learn to dance and looking stupid and everyone laughing at me because i was fat. i wish that i hadn’t felt like that. it makes me sad to think about.

3. “I have not come to…”

i have not yet come to the end of my rope. i have not yet come to terms with myself. i have not yet come to understand my life, or why things are so complicated and how they fit together.

4. What were your favorite questions as a child?

Why?, and especially What If? i loved What If? that was how i started many stories.

5. I used to assume…

that families were strong and safe, and simple, uncomplicated, everyone loves each other and that’s that. i wonder why i used to assume that, because it’s not like my family is perfect or anything.

6. What do you hear right now?

i hear traffic on Jamestown Rd. outside my window. i hear my computer humming, and strangely enough, no music. i hear people giggling and talking in the hallway, water turning on and off, keys jingling and doors opening and shutting. i hear the tapping of the keyboard, my breathing. i imagine i hear the wind bringing clouds, and maybe a dog barking somewhere. i hear my thoughts meandering.

7. Tell your story… “Once upon a time…”

Once upon a time… there was a girl. she felt like a water lily, floating on a wide river, sometimes wishing she could be a willow or an oak. tired of floating along.

8. In what ways are you untamed?

i am stubborn. i sometimes act so as to quietly spite people, even when it is self-destructive. i despise socks, and would rather go without shoes whenever possible. i like to act dumb in public, when i am with some people i feel safe with. i like to sleep rampantly.

9. Describe your favorite comfort ritual.

i don’t think i have enough rituals in my life. i need to create some personal ones. meanwhile… comfort. stuffed animals to hug. something warm to drink, privacy and soothing music. possibly a close friend to talk to, or a notebook and pen to write with. cheese and chocolate.

10. Who do you need to write a letter to, but know you never will?

i wish i could write letters to so many people i used to know, like Tara H., Carleen, Sharon H. and Roya S., many people from my senior class. i hate to say never, hate it with a vengence, but i know that there’s only so many people i can keep in touch with. but it still saddens me.

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